The monkey is still hiding in the shadows.

The monkey is still hiding in the shadows.

"O, king! Join me in the war against plants."

AHAHAHA, NO! THERE IS ONE WAR. ECONOMIC

COMPELLING.

"Hey, King. I brought your 'the unit'." (Show him the figurine.)

"Ooh... hooo?"

His tail swishes with cautious excitement.

"I'm sorry I took it. Here, it's yours." (Toss it to him.)

AH HA HA!!

FOOL!! PUNY REGRETTER!!

His long, thin fingers scramble lightning-fast over the cosmonaut, feeling out each of its familiar angles.

"I thought you'd be happy..."

AH HA HA!!

He bounces on the pads of his feet, unmistakably delighted.

"Yeah yeah, trade forever."

UNTHWARTABLE!!!

"My studies of economic combat are not concluded. I will return to challenge you again, some day."

ALWAYS DEFEAT ADVERSARY!! ALWAYS VICTORY!!! AH HA HA HA HA!

"Maybe in return you could sit through a lecture on communist economic theory?"

KING HAS NO NEED! PITY YOU ETERNALLY, IMPOVERISHED RUTTER!

"Actually... never mind. No take-backsies."

"Oooooh, hoo...."

His wails of anguish descend into sobs.

THE UNIT!!

His shakes his head with vicious excitement, unblinking and enraged.

"I'm sorry I took it. Here, it's yours." (Toss it to him.)

"I'm keeping it. Fondling it. In my pocket."

AAAAH! AH AH AH!!! DISPLAYER!!! BELITTLING THING FLAUNTER!! RETURN IT!! RETURN IT!!!

Has he been sharpening those fangs?

"Just kidding with you -- here." (Throw it back.)

This is one pissed off monkey. You may not have the edge like last time...

His eyes look like lava. He is erupting.

"What are you?"

AYEEEE

HARD CUT to his tiny face. CRASH ZOOM -- his golden eyes flash.

AM KING OF TRADE!

Thunder. The floorboards rattle underfoot.

"That clarifies nothing."

REALM SHROUDED IN FOG OF ECONOMIC WAR!! WAGE IT

"I'm going to disappoint you somehow, I can just tell."

ENOUGH MOUTH WORK!! SHOW YOUR OBJECTS

"None of them are any good. Nobody gives me good objects."

LAUGHABLE. LISTEN: AH HA HA!

Mocking us like a playground bully. We thought we move past those days...

The sheer quantity of animal testosterone in his tiny body... you must harvest this monkey's testicles.

"All I really have is shame."

TRADE IT FOR OBJECTS THEN RETURN

"Did you interrogate my friend, monkey?"

COMMERCE ONLY, OBJECTS CRAVED!!

"You don't fool me. This is a Weeping Eye black site."

NONSENSE IGNORED

This is unlikely to be a member of the Weeping Eye.

But imagining that it is could certainly make them less intimidating, at least in your head.

"So you trade violence for information?"

NO DESIRE FOR INFORMATION. INFORMATION CANNOT BE CHEWED AND FONDLED AND PILED

"You're about to invent capitalism in here, I have to stop you."

INTELLECTUALLY PUNY FREAKLING

THERE IS NO CAPITAL, ONLY OBJECTS

"I am going to trade you into the dirt. Prepare to abdicate."

AH HA HA!! YES!!

He pulls at his ears, deranged with joy.

VILLAIN OF TRADE!! DISPLAY YOUR OBJECTS THAT I MIGHT MAKE LAUGHING STOCK OF THEM

"Neither human nor animal -- did you devolve or evolve into this state?"

KEEP YOUR NONSENSE QUESTIONS, SHOW ME YOUR OBJECTS

"Neither human nor animal -- potentially both! Are you a hybrid like me?"

"We must work together against our common enemy -- vegetables!"

EAT VEGETABLES FOR BREAKFAST!

"Nice to meet you."

FOR NOW!! ENTER THE ECONOMIC WARZONE

"Are you... friendly?"

EQUALS IN COMMERCE TOLERATED

Saliva drips from his fangs.

IF THERE WERE ANY!!!!

"If anybody's going to be trembling around here it's you."

AH HA HA!! YES!! RUTTER CHALLENGE, LARGE FOE

PROVE IT IN SKIRMISH OF VALUE

Alpha males of his species are visually distinguishable by their large cheeks. He thinks you fuck.

AH HA HA! FRAGILE FOE! PUNY BESEECHER!

The monkey stares you down. His adorably well-fitting shirt does nothing to tamper the threat.

"I do have magnificent cheek pouches, nobody ever notices."

THEY ENVY THE RUTTINGS AVAILABLE TO ONE OF YOUR VISAGE. BUT DOES THE QUALITY OF YOUR TRADE MATCH THE VOLUME OF YOUR FACE?

"How are you talking?"

NOT TALK -- BUSINESS CORRESPONDENCE

Remember the box of dubbed martial arts tapes that one of your mother's 'work friends' smuggled in for you when he came to visit in 79?

Eight-Armed Man, DEATHFIST, Iron Petal, Combat Combat I-V, Grasshopper in Hell, Dude Army...

You watched Iron Petal so many times you could recite her lines, practice her moves -- cheer her to victory against her nemesis Johnny Khasm. How did he sound again?

AH HA HA! I DO AS I DO, UNTHWARTABLE SCHEMES FOREVER

Oh, wow.

Indeed.

Fuck Johnny Khasm. It's your animal hybridity.

So I'm... imagining this?

Let's call it... real-time interspecies interpretative guessing.

Or the animality rising up from your soul.

I can still recite every line of Iron Petal's final monologue against Johnny Khasm.

And how did Johnny Khasm sound?

I don't remember that at all.

You probably blocked out most of your childhood memories. Good job.

You watched Iron Petal so many times you could recite her lines, practice her moves -- cheer her to victory against her nemesis Johnny Khasm. And he sounded like--

WHY DOES THE REACTIONARY SPEAK IN AUTHORITATIVE TONES? IS HE INSECURE IN HIS MESSAGE? LAUGHABLE.

My animal connection is just that powerful.

THE ONLY CONNECTION IS CLASS CONSCIOUSNESS. CEASE THESE COUNTER-REVOLUTIONARY IDEAS BEFORE THEY BECOME ACTS.

AH HA HA! I DO AS I DO, UNTHWARTABLE SCHEMES FOREVER

It's cute.

DO NOT LET HIS CURIOUSLY PREHENSILE TOES DISTRACT YOU FROM HIS ARISTOCRATIC STATUS. THIS HORRIBLE LITTLE MAN IS A CLASS ENEMY.

Is it haunted? Is it fucking possessed?

POSSESSION IS BOURGEOIS. THIS IS SIMPLY A MALODOROUS ELEMENT, A CLASS ENEMY. FEAR NOT THE DESPOT OF COMMERCE.

"I know you're a dock thief. But don't worry, the GM won't arrest you."

LET GEE EM TRY. I LONG FOR THE DAY THEY TRY TO RETURN ME TO THE CAGE

"I think you stole all this stuff from the docks."

SECRET SOURCES, KNOWLEDGE DENIED

Look at those nubbly thief hands. It's him.

"Come on, just a little knowledge for your pal: me."

FEAR NOT, RUTTER. NO ENCROACHMENT UPON TERRITORIES OF YOURS

"I'm going to report you."

CONCEPT BENEATH NOTICE

His eyes flare, his lip curls.

AND ALL CHALLENGERS WELCOME

"Fine, your non secrets are safe with me."

CONTRADICTION SHRUGGED UPON

DO NOT CONSIDER YOURSELF MY EQUAL

Where else would it get this stuff?

"I'm looking for a cosmonaut figurine. About this big, you seen it?"

YOU SEEK THE UNIT!!!!!

The monkey descends into a series of gnashing shrieks and limb spasming in excitement and outrage at your quest.

"If 'the unit' is a little cosmonaut figurine then yes. Hand it over."

NOT SO FAST, RUTTER. IF YOU SEEK MY PRIZED THE UNIT YOU MUST OFFER SOMETHING OF GREATER VALUE!! AH HA HA!

The monkey reaches a mortifying fist into the pile of objects at his feet. The fist re-emerges holding a cosmonaut figurine.

BEHOLD THE UNIT. WHAT HAVE YOU FOR MY BEST TREASURE TO TRADE

"How about five sol?"

YOUR SOL IS WORTH NOTHING HERE

"But there's always negotiation, that's what I was taught."

YOU WERE TAUGHT BY FOOLS

THE LITTLE MAN BOASTS AN ECONOMIC ORDER BASED ON PURE WANT -- GREED AND CORRUPTION AWAIT.

"I need that figurine for my friend. She's having a really bad time."

THEN MAYBE SHE SHOULD TRADE FOR BETTER TIME

AH HA HA! PUNY ONE! IF YOU SEEK MY PRIZED THE UNIT YOU MUST OFFER SOMETHING OF GREATER VALUE!! AH HA HA!

"Is that a problem?"

YES!! FOR YOU!!!!! IF YOU SEEK MY PRIZED THE UNIT YOU MUST OFFER SOMETHING OF GREATER VALUE!! AH HA HA!

What does he see in the figurine?

You gaze into his eyes, seeking a glimmer of his soft simian soul. He watches you back, and as his pupils dilate into round curiosity, you see it -- the swallowing blackness of the cage.

"Aah, ha, hoo... hoo?"

The monkey calls out faintly in this strange place. His fingers are cold against the metal bars, he is blind in the dark.

Look around.

The monkey calls out faintly in this strange place. His fingers are cold against the metal bars, he is blind in the dark.

'All the units here need moving this afternoon.' The door cracks open, light spills over a warehouse full of crates and cages. 'You'll have to gag the monkey, noisy cunt.'

Is that Tempo?

The monkey throws himself around the room, tearing shelves until he exhausts himself, afraid and alone, breathing deep in the safety of a dark corner.

There, he sees the glimmer of the helmet -- reaches for it. He looks into the figure's face and there sees his own eyes, looking back at him.

"Oooh."

"You're lonely, aren't you?"

TRADE...

At the centre of the bazaar stands a mound of flesh, rendered in cotton. Reflective eyes, brown fur, a long tail.

"I'm sorry they took you from your home, King of Trade."

AH HA HA... NO MERCY

But you managed to break out once they got you here, didn't you?

What is it? What are you looking for?

Once more, the flame of market zealotry burns too bright in this monkey's face to learn anything of the mind it conceals.

UNSTOPPABLE TRADE

You stare into his little eyes, trying to see the soul behind. All you see is orange flame.

AH HA HA! THWART YOU

"I know the Weeping Eye tortured people here. Are you one of them?"

FOOLISH QUESTION. SCREAMS CANNOT BE TRADED

"Do you know what this is?" (Hold out the red disc.)

The geysers of his nostrils erupt with curiosity.

Warm expulsions of air on your knuckles, tickly.

A CURSE. TAKE IT WITH YOU. NO TRADE

"Has a man been here talking about socks? I lost my colleague..."

SOCK MAN?

His ears drop to a forty-five-degree angle with his neck as he considers this, rise again as he decides.

FIND HIM. BRING HIM. TRADE HIM

Okay, worst-case scenario you just trade comatose guy for monkey loot and fuck off. Must be some sick gadgets in that pile.

We're not trading gäng for loot!

"I lost a colleague of mine. Glasses, brown jacket, bald spot. Seen him?"

AH HA HA!! HAIRLESS COMPANION, FRAGILE MALE. NONE SUCH HAVE ENTERED THIS REALM

LIKELY EATEN BY LARGER AND HAIRIER MALE

Examine his wares.

You return your attention to the pile of assorted junk, which acts as a makeshift throne for the primate.

"This is junk, monkey."

VALUE ESTABLISHED BY SOVEREIGN

"Would have thought a king has a crown."

A sneer waves impressively across his jagged lips. He rummages into his pile of stuff and brings out a paper hat, folded into a peak.

SYMBOLISM UNNECESSARY, MONARCHY ABSOLUTE

"Got any outfits that would suit me?"

APART FROM SHAME?

Even the cutest and most dreadful of eyes can see how you drench yourself in remorse.

He closes one eye to consider you, carefully, before lifting a strappy leather harness from his collection.

DYNAMIC YET FUNCTIONLESS

Look for wolf cups.

Buried among the pile, you spot your prize: this wolf's face is nearly covered by a dark, sweeping mane. She's dressed for battle in jeweled armour, but her snout is stretched in a yawn.

On the side of the cup, in curling letters: DREAM WOLF.

Dream Wolf...

Tears gather at the corners of her green eyes.

Keep looking.

You turn your eyes back to the teetering stack of stuff.

Look for boar kibble.

You spot a bag of boar kibble, five kilograms of it, stuffed inside a birdcage.

"Do you have anything with Luzian batteries?"

NONSENSE WORDS, CHATTERING IMBECILE IGNORED

"Buttons? Switches, lights?"

AHAHAHA!! THE SCEPTRE!!!

The monkey rummages his heinous little hands through his objects and produces a long, light blue tube -- the end a horribly rubbery pink. You can read the words 'Pre-Breeder 6ZR' on the side.

DEPRAVED LUZIAN FILTH.

Human longing for these is proof that machines are the better lovers.

"Is that a used fuckwand?"

HEAVY WEAPON. VANQUISH MANY FOE!!

The Pre-Breeder begins to vibrate in his demonic half-bald mitts. He swings it around a few times then wrestles it back off again.

"Press the 'on' button for me..."

AH HA HAA, ULTRA VANQUISH MODE

"Where did you get that?"

BAD HAIR MAN, TRADED FOR SCHNAPPS

"Stupid monkey. Luz!!"

PUNY WORDSMITH, NONSENSE MAKER

Seen what I need to see. (Go back.)

The monkey bares his teeth at you.

Tourist trinkets, veterinary tools, a detached bicycle wheel, brightly coloured soft drink cans...

It looks like a dinosaur rampaged through a shopping mall, and this is its dung.

"Let's trade."

YES! YES! CHALLENGER ENTERS! COMMENCE ECONOMIC COMBAT!

He wriggles his toes, drawing your attention to the pile of miscellaneous objects atop which he stands.

"I want to trade..."

He flicks his ears in excitement.

"What do you want?"

AMASS INCREASINGLY DESIRABLE OBJECTS

"What would you like to trade for the figurine?"

NO NEGOTIATION!! OFFER OR DON'T

"Cigs, booze, drugs?"

SHINY CONTAINERS REVELLED IN, CONTENTS IGNORED

"How about about whatever cool stuff I can find in the trash?"

ONLY MOST PREMIUM GOODS DESIRED

How are we supposed to know what a monkey thinks 'premium' means, though?

The finger feel of the apology cards suddenly comes back to you.

"Clothes?"

LEGS AND HEAD UNADORNED. ALPHA-FACE GEAR ADMIRED

Legwear? A mask?

"You want a toy? Monkey want play?"

CONDESCEND AT PERIL

No toys, but you know from the cosmonaut figurine that he likes scale models -- the real shit.

"Help me out. I'm bad at guessing."

EVERYONE IS BAD AT EVERYTHING. YET TO FIND WORTHY COMPANION

Is it a companion that he's looking for?

"Alright, let's see." (Go back.)

PONDERER

You're talking to a monkey. You're going to have to ask specific questions if you want helpful answers.

"Let me offer you something for the figurine..."

COMMENCE ECONOMIC COMBAT! PROVE YOURSELF

"How about a nice raincoat?" (Offer your raincoat.)

THERE IS NO RAIN IN THE REALM

He glances at the ceiling, eyebrows twitching.

NO RAIN...

"How about this?" (Show the apology card.)

The King's eyes pass over the apology card, his nostrils twitch into an impressive sneer.

LOW GRAMMAGE INSULT DESPISED

"How about a fucking gun?" (Show him your gun.)