Vending machines are basically a ten-thousand year old grift, you ever think about that?

Vending machines are basically a ten-thousand year old grift, you ever think about that?

Is it even stealing when the only thing stopping you is about six millimetres of cheap, bendable plastic? There are far worse crimes out there. Like being poor.

Fuck that primitive grifter. Pin him under his own rock and reach the fuck into that tree hole.

Coin trays, here I come.

You can already hear the pseudoverbal sounds of protohominid liberation.

Not enough slots.

I'm an operant, not a petty thief.

Alright, H. It sounds to like you're just letting yourself get robbed blind. But alright.

All day, every day.

Right? Figure there was this hairy guy once -- the paleolithic hustler. He's stuffing berries in a tree hole. And then, he gets an idea.

This prick finds a big, heavy stone, and drops it over the hole. 'You want berries? I'll give you some -- for a flint, or a seashell.'

Boom. History's first vending machine.

BRUTE ANIMAL CUNNING IS ENOUGH TO INVENT CAPITALISM. POST-HISTORICAL MATERIALISM IS NEEDED TO TRANSCEND IT.

Not really a machine quite yet, but I take the point.

Some automation issue to take care of, for sure, on account of rocks, you know, not lifting themselves, but the principle is the same.

Point is, the grift works -- even on you. You're broke, yet you keep walking past those glowing boxes where descendants of the hustler are hoarding resources without even reaching in to take some.

RUMBA! Canned coffee, even a sip of which would have made your ancestors' hearts explode.

Wait, you're saying I can just take stuff from vending machines?

Not stuff -- money. The standardised berry of the modern world.

Don't vending machines have alarms and automated defences and stuff?

No longer necessary. Not after the people have been rendered compliant and uncreative.

It could be a historical recuperation. For the berries.

That's fucking right, H.

We're talking about theft, simply put.

And people just went with it?

Some other guys pushed back, definitely -- but without berries most of them starved to death.

Sounds like he had a great business idea -- what's the problem?

Several problems, the main one being that the rest of the cavemen didn't stone him to death and redistribute those berries right there and then.

No, but consider me intrigued.

Picture this, right: there's this hairy guy -- the paleolithic hustler. He's stuffing berries in a tree hole. And then, he gets an idea.

That number seems a bit off.

Ten thousand's lowballing it. Picture this: there's this hairy guy -- the paleolithic hustler -- stuffing berries in a tree hole. And then, one day, he gets an idea.